Insights into the complex realities of power dynamics from a London Pro Domme.
Picture in your mind a dominatrix: The archetype of female power. In your imagination, I suspect she’s in latex, with black hair, frowning, long nails – perhaps thigh high boots and high heels, red lipstick. Apparatus: whips, chains, excitement. For many, this is the visual imagery of the dominatrix – and far be it from me to argue! I far from intend to throw shade or criticise at the traditional, general type of dominatrix, but rather propose we widen our understanding of this complex kinky identity. As a London pro domme, I often I hear gentlemen explaining their kinks for dominant women, but with a preference for something far from the traditional. Their preferences are way more common that most would realise and I find that interesting. Dominance comes in many different forms outside of the stereotype. Kink providers express diversity in our BDSM due to discovering the variety of our clients’ kinks, and how being dominant can come in all different forms. We aren’t all like that “Bonding” show on Netflix causing controversy at the moment, and rightly so. We are so much more complex and interesting than any two-dimensional portrayal could ever capture.
Don’t get me wrong – there’s a place for everything. As a pro domme I do sometimes embody the stereotypical trope as mentioned above, dressing up in latex and wielding my whip. However, as a counterpoint to this kind of spectacular performance, I often find that the excitement for me is in the chemistry of roleplay. I like to take on a role of a Bratty Bitch; powerful, feminine, manipulative. For this role play, what I find interesting is inverting expectations: I take the usually submissive step-daughter role play, and turn it into the step-daughter who is spoilt, gets what she wants- the ‘it girl’ at any educational institution she’s at, a la Cher Horowitz, Courtney Shayne, Kathryn Merteuil; all of these strong female leads in 90’s movies are huge inspirations of my imagination when it comes to my dominant role play. These women are fiercely sure of themselves. They manipulate, seduce, not just knowing themselves but knowing how to keep the world, and men, in their pockets. Their power is thrilling.
Some of the pro domme services that I offer are far from me wearing black latex and causing pain. I use a lot of mind games, sensory deprivation, worship – to name but a few. And these are my most popular services. Most of my sessions when I am being dominant are far from involving any pain at all, which stereotypes of dominance suggest, I am often being worshipped and pampered, I’m often teasing, using restraints, silence, and light touches building up. However, if I decide to incorporate something more punitive, I prefer something a little more jolting: my preferred method of inflicting pain is through electric shocks. Hair-raising, I know.
Something I feel passionately about is wanting to erase the societal slut-shaming and stigma that women are ‘more dominant’ if they don’t have sex with their submissive. I love sex. Granted, I don’t reward every sub with sex. Rather, I choose their rewards to be much more suited to what they’d like. When playing with masochists, for example, I often reward them with inflicting pain. However if and when I do choose to have sex with submissive suitors, it would be my choice and it would be me fucking them, not the other way around. Let me repeat myself: My choice. I can’t put into words the satisfaction I feel from the power of seduction, the feeling of power I get from teasing. The feeling of power I get from knowing I am exuding sexuality with a large dose of fear.
In my opinion, sex always feels best when it has been used as a reward, when you have really worked for and earned it, don’t you agree? Good boy.