Looking for tips on getting started in kink from one of the rising stars of London BDSM? The divine Olivia Sinclair provides a guide to all things kink.

 

If you’re anything like me, celibacy is driving you crazy. I am craving some affection and intimacy and the longer I go without, the more vivid and playful my fantasies become. Admittedly, they were already pretty playful.

In this blog I’m exploring the wonderful world of BDSM, especially with newbies in mind. BDSM can be daunting to those who have not had a chance to explore much sexually, or who lack confidence in their bodies or abilities.

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. At its core BDSM comes down to trust and power play. When executed properly it can not only satisfy your sexual desires but also release some of your non-sexual aggression, frustrations and energy. That is why most BDSM sessions with a professional dominatrix for example, don’t involve sex.

Here are the five tips to start exploring BDSM safely.

Are you submissive, dominant or both?

With power play in mind, do you want to be told what to do or do you want to lead? This doesn’t have to mean being a sadist or masochist, it could be as simple as wanting to be worshipped or wanting to be a slave, craving the feeling of being useful or great at giving pleasure or the thrill of using someone for your own. Just like all sexuality, there are infinite shades and levels to this depending on your own preferences.

If you sometimes enjoy being submissive but sometimes like to be dominant then that is what is known as a ‘switch.’ I actually would describe myself as a switch, my position depends very much on my mood and my partner and I often become more submissive once I have reached orgasm. Being dominant often takes me ‘over the edge’ but then I love the intensity of submissive penetrative sex (whether with a toy or partner) when my body is totally awake and my heart thunders in my neck and chest… delicious.

One thing to keep in mind with pain play, humiliation and degradation is that this is what the other person desires. I once discussed power play with my vanilla friends, and their reactions suggested they thought the submissive person was being used and the dominant a selfish lover. On reflection I realise that I didn’t articulate that the submissive ‘gets off’ on the feeling of being used, giving and sometimes even the feeling of shame. It is not at all selfish to create a safe and positive space to live out those fantasies. If you’re a dominant, it’s really vital to keep the pleasure and needs of your sub in mind.

Understand and communicate your desires

A good place to start is by making a list of yes, no, maybe. Write all the things that jump into your mind when you think of kink and BDSM on a piece of paper indiscriminately. Then you can start to organise them into yes, no, maybe. If you can’t think of any, you can Google BDSM yes/no/maybe lists, you’ll find some ready made charts that you can print off or copy. I would suggest that your own thoughts are a better place to start though, the world of kink is sprawling and you may not want to be faced with some of the more ‘advanced’ options when you’re just testing the waters.

Once you have your list you’ll start to see the things that you instantly marked yes. Seeing those things may help you determine whether you sway more dom or sub in that moment too. If you have a partner, (or paid companion), you could do this activity together as a bit of foreplay and then see what happens when you compare lists…

Know and communicate your limits and boundaries

Remember at the start when I mentioned power play? I also mentioned trust. This is fundamental to any BDSM exploration. You need to play with someone who respects your boundaries and desires and doesn’t push you too far.

Have a look at your no list and decide how non-negotiable they are. It’s important that the person you’re exploring with knows what is off limits for you. It could be that you don’t like a hand put over your nose and mouth restricting your ability to breathe, or you don’t like to be blindfolded or restrained. This works from both perspectives, when in a dominant role there are still certain things I would not be comfortable doing or saying.

Just like when you’re with a companion both parties consent and boundaries are very much paramount, the same goes between a professional submissive and a dominant, just because you’re playing captive, it doesn’t mean you can’t say no to something that makes you uncomfortable.

Choose the right playmate

Now that you have a list of things you definitely want to try, and the things you definitely don’t you can start to find a compatible partner. It’s best not to have high expectations here, we’re all human and you’re not performing you’re having sex (probably). If you go in expecting your partner to look 100%, say all the right things and do all the right things you won’t necessarily let go enough to enjoy the fantasy. So don’t be too ridged with your expectations, sex is all about exploration and play and this remit (even with a paid partner) is no different.

You’ll likely also find some of the more subtle things are what stand out to you and what you find yourself thinking about afterwards. The smell of the leather collar, the feeling of fastening a collar around someone’s neck, your hand around your partner’s neck watching them climax or the act of them kneeling before you and kissing your whip.

Finally something super important about a playmate is how they treat you once you’ve stopped playing. If they still treat you like a submissive in the ‘real world’ that can be problematic, unless this is a long term agreement, but that probably doesn’t fall into the beginner remit. BDSM is a type of intense role-play, whatever role you adopt doesn’t need to have any reflection on your non-sexual personality and identity.

Choose a safe word

Safe words sound sexy but in practise it can be embarrassing. If someone does something you really don’t like it’s hard to kill their vibe and say ‘pineapple?’ (According to my one second Google search that’s the most common safe word). But if you are going to have your face – especially nose and mouth covered – or pressure put on your neck, you may want to come up with a way of asking your partner to stop. This can be by tapping them somewhere, squeezing the thigh for example. Some people use ‘red’ and ‘green’ and make it part of the fun. You can moan ‘green’ when you love it and want more so that way saying ‘red’ doesn’t seem so embarrassing and jarring. You could also squeeze amber in there, if you wanted to!

So, to summarise:

Pick a side (or don’t) but at least understand your desires. Find out your yes, no’s and maybe’s to find a starting point you can communicate. Understand your boundaries and articulate them to your partner/s. Choose a playmate who is compatible, respectful and trustworthy and think of ways to communicate what is working and what isn’t while playing.

I hope that can help you to start exploring your kinky side.

 

Ms Olivia Sinclair is a luxury companion with a kinky twist. She is based in the city of Westminster but available elsewhere. Find out more on her website or subscribe to her OnlyFans.