Tulsi Tamora takes us on a deep dive into the murky world of sexual shame. She finds that our most taboo desires are often those with the most liberatory potential.

Brene Brown defines shame as ‘the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love’. We all have shame within us. Perhaps we feel ashamed of falling short of standards, set by ourselves or others. Perhaps we feel ashamed of our bodies. Perhaps we feel shame around our sexualities if our turns ons (and offs!) don’t align with others’.

Shame around sexuality feels particularly potent. There are such strict norms around the roles we’re supposed to play in bed, especially constrained by gender. Women aren’t supposed to ask for what they enjoy, and men are supposed to direct the show. Kissing, oral and sex (in that order) are an acceptable routine, but any deviation from those acts is an unacceptable taboo.

Escorts are intimately attuned to shame around what relationships looks like too. Social norms dictate that it is acceptable to find someone to have sex with as long as its for free. As I write on my blog, paying to see a kinky escort can allow for a more authentic experience than a hookup – but it is mostly perceived as an admission of failure, a lurid shortcut.

The shame that we harbour around our desires and relationships can be intensely stifling of pleasure. I occasionally meet clients who are so ashamed of exploring their kinks with an escort that they cannot let go, be fully present and enjoy their time together. To these clients I suggest an alternative perspective – that instead of doing something flawed, they are giving themselves the gift of exploring their unspoken desires in a safe setting. When we can be vulnerable enough to express our true sexualities without rejection, we can let go of shame and experience true pleasure.

This makes me think of one of my longest regulars, E. When we first met E told me he felt weighed down by a shameful desire to be submissive. We started off with me as a sensually dominant mistress, gently taking control of him. I would get on top, and trace my cool fingertips down his body. I would turn this into light scratching, alternated with kisses all over. Once he started writhing in between my legs, that was my cue to turn him over and start spanking! Over time he began to let go of his shame and truly enjoy submitting to me. I moved from spanking to spreading him wide open for rimming and prostate play while he was tied to my bed. These days some of our favourite sessions have included pegging and wax play.

We can go deeper by making our shame a part of our kinks too. The places in ourselves where we have felt at our dirtiest and most vulnerable can become playgrounds for us as adults. Many of my clients have always been told, either explicitly or implicitly, that they will be humiliated for moments of perceived weakness. They have to be the strongest men in the room, and often shoulder a myriad of responsibilities. In my experience these men are often seeking somewhere to tap into that shame of feeling small, out of control and subjected to another’s power, but in a completely safe and consensual environment.

This makes me think of another one of my regulars, K. K told me he wanted to explore feeling small and humiliated. So I told him to wear some silky pink panties and meet me for lunch. After our date, we went back to the dungeon where I made him kneel on the ground, rub against my leg, and beg to touch himself. I then tied him down and proceeded to tease him with some nylons and used panties of mine, bringing him just to the brink, and then stopping. Orgasm denial is one of my favourite kinks – I love the spectacle of a man desperately failing to get some sweet release. I finally let him go, and K gratefully told me he loved the feeling of being frustrated and humiliated sexually. Seeing a kinky escort won’t just release your shame, but will help you to explore it. So, what are you waiting for?