Recently, I met with a lover who was eager to learn more about becoming dominant. He’d long held fantasies about taking charge of a beautiful submissive woman, but was feeling somewhat apprehensive about being the one calling the shots. It’s an anxiety I hear often; lovers are keen to be in charge, yet unsure where to begin. Having canvassed some of my KinkyLondonEscort colleagues it seems this is a recurrent concern amongst BDSM neophytes. Accordingly, we thought we’d share a little of the wisdom accrued by such an experienced group of London submissive girls.

Begin with Communication

Discuss in advance with your partner what it is they find sexy about the idea of submission. Is it surrendering control and not having to think too much? Is it the idea of being tested? Are they a masochist, and enjoy the sensation of pain? Or do they like the idea of being the centre of the dominant’s universe, and lavished with all kinds of attention. This underlying desire should be the key to how you build your scene, so establishing a lover’s root desire early on is hugely helpful. At this stage, it’s also worth asking what they DON’T like, and how they don’t want to feel. For instance, a submissive may not wish to ever feel degraded or humiliated, in which case you know to avoid anything that feels too debasing or de-personalising. This is a good moment to decide on safe words and how you might like to use them. We recommend the traffic light system.

Break It Down

If you’re leading a scene, in advance, think of it like a play, with a series of acts. What happens in each act? How will each act create the feelings your sub has already identified? Perhaps Act 1 is about you exploring your sub’s body. Then Act 2 is about establishing their obedience, before Act 3 is about experimenting with testing their capacity for pleasure and pain. Remember that all good kink scenes, like all good dramas, should be working to a peak moment of intensity. For many that’s an orgasm, but it doesn’t have to be. Whatever it is, when you’re in charge try and structure your time so that it has a sense of forward momentum and crescendo.

Don’t Overdo It with Kit

Pick 3 or 4 things you’d both like to play with per ‘Act’, and then think about all the options they offer you, rather than trying to juggle an entire kinky toy chest. Items such as a blindfold, a crop, a magic wand vibrator and some nipple clamps offer an abundance of possibility if you do a little forward planning. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself a bit overwhelmed by choice, and tempted to try and overdo it. And that tends to be the moment when you start to feel panicked and like you’re not sure what to do next.

Take Your Time

All new dominants rush – it’s perfectly normal and often down to nerves. But try your best to relax into the scene, and let each component you’ve planned unfold naturally and gradually. Planning to include some spanking and corporal punishment? Delicious! And it’ll be even more so if you let it build incrementally, warming your partner up thoroughly. For newbies, we recommend thinking of impact play as if you are increasing in intensity from 1-10, delivering a serious of spanks/paddles at each numeric intensity, before progressing to the next level up and getting slightly firmer – you can imagine this like sets of reps at the gym, just with a slightly heavier weight each time.  Once you’re spanking someone at around a 9 or a 10, opt for quality rather than quantity. To get this right, check in with your sub, ask them to give you an indication of where on the scale your spanks feel. That way you’ll be on the same page.  And for extra tips, you can always read our Spanking Guide.

Fake It Until You Make It

Topping is a skill that takes time to master – very few can do it instantly, and that’s OK! All of us make mistakes along the way, and the KLE Team can all tell you stories about getting the giggles and having to take a break and start again when they were learning to be the accomplished dominants they are today.  As you’re finding your feet, try to harness your confidence and not stress too much about getting it ‘wrong’ – just keep communicating with your sub, and focusing on having fun, and we promise it’ll all work out. And if you want a little expert help, why not ask one of dominant or submissive girls on KLE to give you a little tutorial.