So, you’ve read Part 1 of Cara Lorelei’s guide to communicating your kinks. Part 2 delves a little deeper as she guides us through how to process new BDSM experiences with a Kinky London Escort. Ready to follow her lead?
In part 1 of this guide, we looked at explaining the essentials: planning communication and defining what kink means to you. Now we dive into the nuances of this communication and the feelings that arise during.
How would you like to feel?
No single act is a mandatory part of BDSM and there are countless flavours of submission. Part of the fun is experiencing new kinds of pleasure and turning your everyday self upside down. Asking for what you want doesn’t just require listing specific acts; it can also mean describing how you want to feel. In my experience, most people have an innate picture of this, even if they lack the vocabulary for it or fear their own desires.
Consider one of the most common kinks: getting spanked. What people enjoy about it runs the gamut. It could be the pain; being punished or put in their place; satisfaction at taking it well for someone else; feeling humiliated; roleplaying unequal power dynamics; the sight of skin flushed pink; getting to act like a brat and resist the whole time; or any combination of these and other reasons. If you feel drawn to a specific act, try to understand the source of that interest. How does it make you feel/how do you imagine it would make you feel? When you picture yourself being submissive, what internal experience does that involve?
Here I’ll refer you to Tulsi Tamora’s post on her approach to domination, which includes lots more excellent prompts for conveying how you want to feel while submitting. Remember, it’s okay if you just want to have fun and experience pleasure! You don’t need a deep justification. Is submission synonymous for you with getting to be the centre of someone else’s attention, feeling cared for and doted on? Do you want a change from taking the active role and making decisions during sex, so you get to feel truly desired?
It’s also okay if this is your way to work through something. While BDSM is NOT therapy and you should never expect a kinky escort to also be your therapist, it can certainly be therapeutic. Could you want to experience something a little darker or to push yourself? Do you want to get outside your comfort zone, face a fear, or confront an experience? While it’s important to be realistic (a single session with a kinky escort is not going to change your life or fix all your problems), you stand a much better chance of getting what you want if you ask for it rather than carrying silent expectations. You’ll also help that provider gauge whether they can give you what you want, or you should see someone with a different skill set.
What puts you in the right headspace to have that experience?
BDSM can be a precious source of ritual and ceremony, sometimes something specific can flip you into submissive mode. For example:
- Wearing a collar
- When called a certain name
- A specific act that shifts you into the right headspace to have the desired experience
What’s the overall overall setting? Think about how the the music, lighting and location contributes to your experience.
What do you know you enjoy and what are you interested in trying?
Activities:
Are there any kink activities you know for sure you enjoy and want to include in the session? Is there something you know you want to try? Be clear about that!
Resources:
Kink quizzes, workbooks, and checklists can be a solid starting point for seeing what piques your interest. Check out the archives of the KLE blog for up-close guides to different kinks.
Keep it simple:
Focus on a few key things you’d like to experience in a single scene, rather than a whole laundry list of different activities.
Trust your top:
You need to allow your top to craft a narrative and make the scene flow within a defined timeframe. It’s common for new submissives to go into a kind of frenzy of wanting to try everything.
Pacing is key:
Don’t rush it. The worst way to enjoy something is to spend the whole time thinking about whether you’re enjoying it or not.
Lastly, remember, fantasising about something doesn’t always mean you want to do it or that you’ll like it if you do. However, if you find yourself returning to the same fantasies again, there’s something to be learnt from that. I find it useful when submissive clients send me their favourite porn or erotica as inspiration (not as a template). Kink is a creative act and creativity requires inspiration. Remember it’s fine to try something and realise that you dislike that form of play, this is all part of your exploration.
How do you want to wind down?
When the clock is ticking, it might be tempted to cram every minute of the session you booked with as much kinky business as possible. If you haven’t yet experienced the intense emotions submitting to a dominant escort can bring up, you might be caught off-guard by the drop back to reality afterwards. Submitting to someone can create overwhelming, but temporary emotions towards that person.
Even if you feel fine, at least a few minutes of winding down will tie up the overall narrative of the scene. Allow at least 10-15 minutes for cuddling, chatting about the experience, drinking some water, perhaps a snack to bring up your blood sugar, and getting your stuff together. Then you’re ready to go on your way, with a secret spring in your step.
By now you may feel ready to confidently communicate your desires to a Kinky London Escort, the final question however is who?