Knowing your kinks is one thing, articulating them, can be something else entirely. Kinky London Escort Cara Lorelei pens down a step-by-step guide on communicating submissive desires when new to the BDSM scene.

 

So, you’ve done your research and found the perfect kinky escort to fulfil the submissive fantasies you’ve dreamt about for years. You’ve figured out the where, when, and how, and now you’re ready to fill out their booking form. It’s one of the rare and glorious moments in life when you can ask for exactly what you want without fear of judgment, in a space outside of normal life.

But as your fingers hover over the keyboard, you find the words elude you. A lot of advice surrounding kink (and sex in general) emphasises the importance of honest communication. It’s great and correct advice, but what happens when you’re still figuring out what you want? What exactly should you do to turn a vague image in your mind into a concrete description? What if you’re wrong?

As a switch escort offering a kind of ‘kinky girlfriend experience’ (meaning soft and sensual domination), many of my clients come to me looking to explore their submissive side—at their own pace, in a relaxed environment. Sometimes they’re brand new to kink and have only encountered vanilla dynamics (but have always been a bit curious). Sometimes they’re well-versed in BDSM but have always found themselves in dominant roles. Perhaps they just want to try it once, or perhaps seeing me is part of an ongoing exploration process. It’s always an honour to be part of that and I truly enjoy helping people unveil their desires. I understand the vulnerability involved in asking an escort to dominate you, especially for those who have been expected to be in control and powerful their whole lives.

Here are a few questions you might want to answer when communicating what you want to a kinky escort, as someone new to submission. Answering them might require a bit of soul-searching and vulnerability, but by teasing out your expectations—unspoken or seemingly unspeakable—you’ll give your dominant escort the material they need to craft an unforgettable experience.

What’s essential?

• Health Issues:
  First and foremost, when seeing a kink professional you should always be upfront about any relevant health issues or potential psychological triggers. For example, restrictive bondage may require extra care if you have a health issue that affects circulation. This doesn’t mean dumping your entire medical history in the first email but think carefully about what they need to know and when you should bring it up.
• Honesty:
  Always be honest about your experience level and yourself. Some kink professionals do not see inexperienced submissives or first-timers. If you know a provider won’t see you because of this, they’re not who you should be contacting.
• Clarity:
  Every person’s body and mind are different; any kink professional you see will be used to that. We aren’t interested in judging you, but we do deserve scrupulous honesty.
• Safety:
  Of course, sensual domination doesn’t tend to include so much edge play, kink professionals know how to practice safely, however it is always a good idea to educate yourself on general BDSM safety.
• Responsibility:
  Submission does not mean abdicating all responsibility and jumping into new activities with no regard of consequence. If you’re doing something different with your body, some degree of caution is required and you will need to be able communicate this discomfort (that you’re not ok with).

 

Hard Limits:

Communicating what you don’t want is just as important as communicating what you do.

• Boundaries:
  Even if you’re not quite sure what you like, there will be some things you know you never want to do. Hard limits are not just turnoffs and should not be intended as a way to push a kink professional’s own limits. You can always change your mind later and your hard limits might not even be on the table with this particular kinky escort. It’s just smart to think about the boundaries of your play beforehand.
• Safewords:
  These are one of the most mainstream aspects of BDSM. In any BDSM scenario, you should always have both verbal and non-verbal safewords in place: a clear-cut way to signal if you want everything to stop. Non-verbal cues are indispensable if you’re engaging in play which might prevent you from speaking (e.g. wearing a gag.)
• Essentials:
  It’s a great idea to write the essentials down as excitement and nerves make it easy to forget! If that feels a bit formal, be prepared and discuss the essentials before the scene. That way you lay down the foundations before you start shifting the mood, rather than breaking the flow later!

 

How will you communicate throughout?

There are so many ways to incorporate continuous communication into BDSM without breaking the flow or topping from the bottom.

• What:
  Safewords are the minimum! These are quick, clear emergency brakes. They’re rarely suitable as the only means of communication. If you’re new to submission, you’ll want more nuanced ongoing communication throughout the play which you can build to.
• How:
  Think about how you’d like to communicate. Will you use additional safewords with meanings other than ‘stop’? E.g. ‘Stop that specific thing’. Would you like your top to check in with you at regular intervals? Should the offer encouragement and reassurance? Will you stay ‘in character’ when communicating or just talk in a normal way? Do you want them to listen if you say no or to ignore your brattiness unless you use a safeword?

 

Just kink or kinky sex?

It seems to be a common misconception that booking a kink session always means there’s no sex involved. I’ve had clients tell me they want to try BDSM, but don’t like the idea of seeing a provider without any physical contact. On the flip side, others assume that if they’re not interested in receiving pegging and other anal play, that means they’re not kinky. In reality, there’s a huge range from providers who don’t allow any physical contact to those who do full service. And let’s not even get into the questions of where we draw the lines and if kink can ever be non-sexual. However, I think it’s crucial to be clear about your expectations in this area because it varies a lot between people! It’s up to you to draw the map.

 

In part 2 of this guide, we’ll discuss establishing how you want to feel during a scene, communicating what you already enjoy, and winding down the right way. Stay tuned… and if you can’t wait, perhaps check out our writer and kinky escort Cara Lorelei in the meantime.